how to set boundaries for self care and healthy relationships
Learning to set boundaries is an act of self-care and self-respect, but it’s not always easy. If you’ve spent much of your life tending to others' needs at the expense of your own, the idea of setting limits might feel unfamiliar or even unsafe. For many people navigating anxiety, trauma, sensitivity, or neurodivergence, boundaries can stir up waves of guilt, shame, or fear of rejection.
But boundaries are not barriers to connection—they are invitations to create healthier, more honest relationships. They are about honoring your energy, understanding your limits, and speaking your needs with kindness and clarity.
At their heart, boundaries aren’t just about what you’re saying “no” to—they’re about what you’re saying “yes” to: your peace, your rest, your creativity, and your well-being.
Prentis Hemphill defines boundaries as, “The distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
What Are Boundaries, Really?
When we hear the word ‘boundary,’ it can sometimes sound rigid or harsh—like building a wall or drawing a hard line. But boundaries, at their core, are softer than that. They are an act of self-care and self-respect, a way of caring for your emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Boundaries are not about keeping others out; they are about keeping yourself whole. They are gentle yet firm expressions of what you need to feel safe, respected, and valued in your relationships and daily life.
Think of boundaries as a loving practice of communicating where your limits are and how you’re choosing to care for yourself—not a tool to control others or push them away.
Photo by Engin Akyurt via Unsplash
Grieving the Losses That Come with Boundaries
One of the most tender and often overlooked parts of learning to set boundaries is grieving the losses that come with them. When you start honoring your own needs, you might lose certain dynamics, relationships, or the illusion of being ‘easygoing’ and ‘always available.’ This grief is valid. It’s okay to feel sadness when someone doesn’t understand or accept your limits.
Boundaries invite you to honor your own energy and emotional safety, but they also ask you to let go of old patterns that kept you over-extended and under-resourced. Sometimes, the mourning is not just for relationships but also for the version of you who thought being “everything for everyone” was the path to love and belonging.
“Boundaries give us the space to do the work of loving ourselves. They might be, actually, the first and fundamental expression of self-love. They also give us the space to love and witness others as they are, even those that have hurt us.” ~Prentis Hemphill
Saying Yes to Yourself
Boundaries are not just about saying “no” to others; they are about saying a sacred “yes” to yourself. Yes to rest. Yes to clarity. Yes to your creative spark. Yes to your nervous system feeling regulated and safe.
When you set a boundary, you are not closing a door to connection. You are opening a door to deeper, more authentic relationships—with others and with yourself. You are saying, “My needs matter too,” and that is an act of self-love.
Guilt and Shame: Trauma Responses or Conditioning?
If guilt and shame rise up when you set a boundary, know this: you are not doing something wrong. These feelings often come from trauma responses or years of conditioning that taught you your worth is tied to how useful, agreeable, or self-sacrificing you are.
When someone reacts negatively to your boundary, it can trigger old fears—that you’ll be abandoned, rejected, or labeled as difficult. These reactions live in the body, not just the mind. Your heart might race, your stomach might tighten, and your thoughts might spiral.
But here’s the truth: You are not responsible for managing someone else’s feelings about your limits. You are only responsible for showing up with kindness, clarity, and respect for yourself and others. As Brene Brown says, "Clear is kind, unclear is unkind."
Boundaries and Your Nervous System
Setting boundaries isn’t just an external act; it’s an internal shift. Each time you set a boundary, you are gently teaching your nervous system that it’s safe to have limits. Over time, this practice can widen your window of tolerance—your capacity to stay regulated and present even in moments of discomfort or confrontation.
Your nervous system might have learned to prioritize other people’s comfort over your own safety. But with practice, grounding techniques, and small, consistent steps, or learning with the guidance of a trauma-informed therapist, your body can start to recognize that boundaries are not threats; they are acts of care.
Boundaries Are About You, Not About Controlling Others
It’s important to remember that boundaries are not about controlling someone else’s behavior. They’re about communicating your needs and limits with clarity and kindness. For example:
“I need some quiet time after work to recharge, so I’ll be turning off my phone for an hour each evening.”
“I need to step away from this conversation because it feels overwhelming for me.”
You can’t control how others react to your boundaries, but you can control how you honor your own needs. Boundaries are about caring for yourself, not managing someone else’s emotions.
Baby Steps and Gentle Practice
Learning to set boundaries is not an overnight transformation; it’s a practice. And sometimes, the first step isn’t even saying the boundary out loud. Sometimes, it’s just letting yourself imagine what it would feel like to say, “I can’t take this on right now,” or, “I need time for myself.”
Start small:
Journal about the boundaries you wish you could set.
Share them with a trusted friend or therapist, and practice saying them out loud while noticing how your body feels.
Ground through your feet and imagine a strong spine when guilt rises and remind your body: “I am safe. It’s okay to honor my needs.”
Grounding techniques, like placing your hand on your heart, tapping, orienting to the space you are in, softening tension in your belly, or feeling your feet on the floor, can help your body understand that setting a boundary doesn’t equal danger.
Boundaries Are an Act of Love
Boundaries are not ultimatums. They are not punishments. They are a form of loving, authentic communication to yourself and to others. They create space for relationships to grow in trust and mutual respect. When you set a boundary, you offer others the gift of clarity—you show them how to care for you and invite them to do the same. Healthy boundaries reduce resentment, foster deeper emotional intimacy, and allow relationships to thrive with honesty and authenticity. They say, “I care about this relationship enough to be honest about my capacity and my needs in this moment.”
As you begin this journey, be gentle with yourself. Celebrate the small wins, even if they’re just internal shifts. Each time you honor your limits, you are reclaiming a little more of your energy, your peace, and your sense of self.
Boundaries are not about being unkind or uncaring. They are about creating space for the most authentic, vibrant version of you to bloom.
Take a deep breath, dear one. You are worthy of the safety, clarity, and freedom that boundaries can bring. Holistic, trauma-informed therapy can help you learn to set boundaries and show up in relationships with more confidence.
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Read my post about quiet confidence here.
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