“You Seem Fine”: The Hidden Struggles of Women with Late-Diagnosed ADHD
At first glance, she seems fine.
She’s thoughtful. Capable. Maybe even a little too responsible.
She remembers your birthday. Holds it together at work. Keeps it all afloat, even when she’s drowning inside.
What you don’t see?
The unread texts, the dishes in the sink, the forgotten appointment that sent her into a shame spiral. The sensory overload after a full day of pretending to be okay. The nights she stays up too late, scrolling to soothe her buzzing brain, or working twice as hard to make up for how scattered she felt that day. This is the reality for many women with undiagnosed or late-diagnosed ADHD. And for years, they didn’t even know it.
ADHD in Women Doesn’t Always Look Like ADHD
Most of what we’ve been taught to look for in ADHD is based on how it shows up in boys: Hyperactivity. Disruption. Trouble following rules. But for many women and femmes, ADHD can show up differently.
It often looks like anxiety.
Or depression.
Or “being too emotional/sensitive.”
Or periods of over-functioning, followed by periods of shutdown/freezing.
Women with ADHD can be more likely to internalize their symptoms. Instead of acting out, they mask. They overachieve. They shape-shift to meet expectations. They do whatever it takes to not be a burden, to not disappoint anyone.
And it works… until it doesn’t.
Photo by Andrew Neel via Unsplash
Masking, Perfectionism & People-Pleasing: The ADHD Survival Strategy
For many late-diagnosed women, masking begins in childhood.
Maybe they were the “gifted” kid. Or the caretaker. The scapegoat. The outcast. Or the quiet one who held everything in.
They learned to hide the chaos because showing it led to criticism or shame, especially while navigating life without adequate support. They became masters of perfectionism, people-pleasing, and emotional caretaking.
They stayed up all night to finish the project. Apologized before anyone was mad. Rehearsed every text. Doubted every decision. Masking isn’t conscious, it’s survival. But it comes at a cost.
Burnout Isn’t a Mystery—It’s the Body Saying “No More”
By the time many women receive an ADHD diagnosis, they’re already burned out. Trying to “get it together” while their brain works in loops, bursts, spirals, and constellations. Trying to stay regulated in environments that never felt safe or attuned to begin with.
This isn’t just about ADHD. It’s about living in a culture that demands constant productivity, unpaid emotional labor, and conformity.
The Truth Beneath the Mask
If this is you, you’re not lazy. You’re not broken. You’re not too much. You’re someone whose brain was never wired for the conventional, linear systems you were told to fit into. The internal exhaustion or turmoil you’ve tried so hard to mask isn’t a failure.
Acknowledging your own authentic way of moving through the world, as well as the costs (burnout, masking, self neglect) of working so hard to align with systems that were never designed for you, begins the path to self reclamation.
So What Now?
Healing isn’t about fixing what was never broken. It’s about remembering: how your body speaks, how your energy flows, how your spirit resists being boxed in. It begins with unmasking: not just to others, but to yourself. Releasing the performance. Softening the grip. Listening inward.
It means learning to honor your nonlinear rhythms.
Building sacred systems that don’t demand perfection, but invite presence.
Rooting your self-worth not in productivity, but in aliveness and connection.
This is not just personal healing—it’s cultural undoing.
A return to your own timing.
A reclamation of your intuition.
A sacred refusal to contort yourself for systems that never saw your brilliance.
Here, you are not too much. You are not behind.
You are arriving in your own wise, wondrous way.
I offer somatic, trauma-informed therapy and consulting for sensitive, neurodivergent women and femme cycle breakers who are ready to reclaim their rhythm, restore their nervous systems, and live in alignment with who they truly are.
✨ You’re invited to book a session, subscribe at the bottom of this page to stay up to date on other offerings, or join the Sacred Becoming community on Substack for reflections, resources, and ritual support.
Come as you are. Let’s unmask together.
There is sacredness in your becoming.
ways to work with me:
Online counseling and Brainspotting for clients located in Bend, Oregon and the state of Oregon. Click here to schedule a free consultation.
Read more about sacred self therapy here and my approach to working with women with ADHD here.
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