You’re Not Bad at Boundaries: You Were Just Taught to Feel Guilty
Lately, I’ve been having conversations with many clients who share a common struggle when it comes to boundaries. They often come in carrying an old, familiar narrative: “I’m bad at setting boundaries," which in many cases is a different iteration of a core wound that sounds like, "something is wrong with me." But as we unpack their experiences, something interesting happens. They aren’t as bad at setting boundaries as they thought. In fact, they are often (maybe not all of the time, but that's human!) clear about what they need, what their limitations are, and have the skills to communicate these things.
So why do they feel like they are failing?
Because the hard part isn’t setting boundaries—it’s building up the courage to speak one's truth, and then navigating what happens afterward. It’s the panic and shame (sometimes rage) that arises when others react to boundaries poorly. It’s the deep-seated belief that others' emotional responses mean they have done something wrong. That they are bad, mean, or too much. That maybe they are crazy for expecting their boundaries to be honored at all.
This is where so many people get stuck- in the internalized conditioning that tells them other people’s reactions are a reflection of their own worth or goodness, or that their anxiety about doing the thing (in this case, setting a boundary) means they’re doing something wrong. To be clear, this was an adaptive response to environmental dynamics or repeated experiences that led to a need to become smaller to make others feel more comfortable. It was a way to survive. However, many people eventually grow out of the need for this adaptation, have started the work of unmasking, or are just fed up with making themselves smaller all the time.
Photo by Jen Theodore via Unplash
The Weight of Early Conditioning
From a young age, many of us- especially those with marginalized identities, or people who grew up with neglectful, abusive, or overbearing parents- learn that making others comfortable is our responsibility. That when someone is upset with us, it must mean we did something wrong. That we should bend, accommodate, or absorb their discomfort so we don’t risk being seen as selfish, difficult, or unkind. We are expected to be water always, flowing around others’ comfort, instead of earth, or fire. These experiences get reinforced by our broader social systems.
This expectation to prioritize others over ourselves is a wound not just at the individual level, but the collective and ecological level. The separation from our own needs and instincts is a direct result of patriarchal, colonial, and capitalistic systems that thrive on disconnection. These systems teach us that our worth is tied to how much we give, accommodate, compartmentalize and produce, rather than how deeply we are attuned to ourselves and the earth. When we internalize this separation from self, we begin to see boundaries as acts of abandonment rather than as essential expressions of self-trust and wholeness. But true connection within ourselves and with others, requires honoring our limits, not suppressing them.
Over time, this conditioning weaves itself into our internal dynamics of self-trust. It creates a cycle where boundaries feel like a threat- not just to our relationships, but to our sense of self. If every time we advocate for ourselves we’re met with resistance, it’s easy to internalize the idea that we’re the problem.
But other people’s emotions are their own. Your boundaries are not cruel, selfish, or unkind just because someone else disagrees with them or can’t honor them. Discomfort is not the same thing as harm. And someone else’s resistance to your limits does not mean you have failed.
The Work of Self-Trust and Individuation
So where do we go from here? The work isn’t about becoming rigid or defensive, and it’s certainly not about assuming we’re always right (a fear many of my clients have shared!). Instead, it’s about learning how to hold steady when others have big feelings. It’s about disentangling our sense of self from how others react to us. It’s about curiosity, self-compassion, and a willingness to stay with the discomfort instead of immediately rushing to fix it.
Many clients also express a deep fear that if they stop absorbing and prioritizing the emotions of others, they will come across as cold, selfish, or lacking empathy, and that this will confirm the narrative, "something is wrong with me." But individuation—separating what belongs to you from what belongs to others—is not about dismissing or invalidating people’s feelings. It’s simply about recognizing that you don’t have to carry them as if they are your own. You can be kind and firm. You can be compassionate and boundaried. You can care without collapsing into guilt. This conversation always reminds me of Joan Halifax’s quote, “strong back, soft front,” in relation to compassion and holding space. We can stand tall in our truth while recognizing the humanity of the person in front of us. It’s also okay if this is a practice for you. Boundaries aren’t about perfection, they’re a framework to explore alignment and authentic care in relationship.
Another common challenge is trusting one’s own courage to speak up or hold a boundary when someone else disagrees. The conditioning many folks receive teaches them to internalize disagreement as a personal failing rather than a natural part of relationships. When someone pushes back, it can feel like a signal to retreat, to question oneself, or to abandon the boundary entirely. But disagreement does not mean you are wrong. It simply means you and the other person have different needs or perspectives. Learning to stay steady in those moments- without shrinking or over-explaining- is a key part of reclaiming self-trust.
Boundaries are not about controlling how others feel. They are about honoring what is true for you, even when that truth is inconvenient or uncomfortable for others.
So the next time you feel that old script creeping in, the one that says “There’s something wrong with me,” pause. Get curious. And remind yourself: It’s not that you’re bad at boundaries. It’s that you were never taught how to hold them without also holding everyone else’s emotions.
But you can learn. You are learning. And that changes everything.
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